Building resilience in children: What makes children strong

Why resilience is important for children

Resilient children are not born ‘invulnerable’. They develop their strength through certain conditions, such as a secure attachment to at least one reliable caregiver, a sense of self-efficacy and the feeling of belonging to a group. Resilience influences how a child copes with setbacks, such as poor school results, arguments with friends or family crises.

Resilient children are often better able to cope with stress and are at lower risk of developing mental health problems later in life, such as depression, anxiety or addiction. Children who have learnt to cope with pressure are often better able to deal with challenges in their everyday school life. They are more likely to remain capable of taking action, can regulate their emotions more effectively and find support more easily.

Resilience does not mean that children have to cope with everything on their own

Resilience is sometimes misunderstood. It does not mean that children have to become ‘tough’. Nor does it mean that parents should play down their children’s feelings or deliberately leave them to cope with stress on their own. Comments such as ‘Don’t be so dramatic’ or ‘You’ll just have to get on with it’ do not usually help children. Instead, they can lead to children suppressing their feelings or feeling misunderstood.

Children become more resilient when they feel secure and are allowed to tackle age-appropriate challenges at the same time. They need adults who comfort them, listen to them, help them make sense of things and believe in them.

At what age does resilience begin to develop?

The development of resilience begins very early and is a lifelong process. There is no fixed age at which resilience suddenly appears. Rather, different levels of resilience develop over the years.

Even before birth, factors such as the mother’s experience of stress during pregnancy can play a role. Later on, the quality of the attachment, experiences of self-efficacy, emotional regulation, social skills and frustration tolerance are particularly important. As children grow, skills such as reframing – the ability to view stressful situations from a different perspective – may also develop.

Resilience therefore develops step by step. It grows through relationships, experience, encouragement and the opportunity to deal with difficulties in an age-appropriate way.

What protective factors help children?

Resilience does not arise from a single factor. In most cases, several protective factors work together. Some lie within the child themselves, others in their family and social environment.

The most important protective factors include:

• a stable, reliable primary caregiver
• a secure attachment and emotional support
• a sense of being able to make a difference
• the ability to recognise and regulate emotions
• a realistic and positive self-image
• Friendships and social support
• age-appropriate responsibilities
• clear structures and reliable routines
• Parents who deal with stress as constructively as possible
• physical health, sleep, exercise and rest

The experience of self-efficacy is particularly important. This refers to the confidence that comes from knowing: ‘I can do something. I am not completely at the mercy of a difficult situation.’

This confidence grows through small experiences in everyday life. A child solves a problem on their own. They pluck up the courage to ask a question. They address a conflict. They keep trying, even if they don’t succeed straight away. Such experiences reinforce the inner feeling: ‘Ican achieve something.’

Can parents help to foster resilience in children?

Parents play a very important role in the development of resilience. They do not need to be perfect to do so. What is crucial is that children experience reliable care, guidance and an appropriate degree of freedom.

They can support their children in three key ways:

• Secure attachment: Research on attachment shows that children who experience secure attachment often explore the world with greater courage.
• Fostering self-efficacy: Parents can foster resilience by trusting their child to overcome appropriate challenges on their own.
• Emotional support: Parents can act as an ‘external brain’ by, for example, naming feelings, helping children make sense of them and modelling coping strategies.

Practical tips: How to foster resilience in children in everyday life

Resilience grows through everyday life. Not through grand speeches, but through many small experiences: I am seen. I’m allowed to make mistakes. I can achieve something. And when things get difficult, I’m not alone.

These things are particularly helpful for children:

• Boosting self-efficacy: Give children tasks they can manage on their own. Not too easy, but not overwhelming either. Solving a problem, having a conversation on their own, or achieving a small success in everyday life reinforces the feeling: ‘I can make a difference.’
• Name emotions: Don’t brush feelings aside; take them seriously: ‘I can see you’re feeling frustrated right now.’ Those who understand their feelings better are more likely to learn how to regulate them.
• Show that mistakes are part of learning: Present mistakes as opportunities to learn. This way, a child learns that failure isn’t the end, but part of the learning process.
• Highlight strengths: Consciously focus on what went well and the strengths the child demonstrated.
• Maintain a connection: Resilience depends on relationships. Time for honest conversations and genuine closeness can reduce stress and provide a sense of security.

3 simple exercises for greater resilience

Simple exercises can help children better understand their feelings, recognise their successes and cope with stress.

Three good things

Ask your child in the evening: “What three things went well today?” You can then add: “What did you do to help make that happen?” This helps your child become more aware of positive experiences.

The Compliment Box

This exercise helps children focus on their own strengths. Ask your child to write or draw on a small piece of paper from time to time: What do they like about themselves? What are they proud of? What did they do well today? The pieces of paper are collected in a box, for example a shoe box or a small treasure chest.

On difficult days, your child can pull a note out of the box. This helps them remember what they’ve already achieved, what strengths they have and what makes them lovable. This can offer comfort, boost their courage and strengthen their self-esteem.

Recognising feelings in the body

Ask: “Where do you feel the anger? In your tummy, in your head, in your hands?” This helps the child learn to recognise their body’s signals. It can help them recognise sooner when they need a break.